Ask any woman you know if she’d like a gay best friend.
I’d do it, but I barely know any women.
I’m no Clooney.
The answer is yes. They’d love a gay best friend.
How fun would that be, right?!
Shopping, movies, chit chat! The best part?
They’re not trying to totally do you.
But the women I overhear at the bar while creepily pretending I’m not listening seem to forget one thing.
Five reasons you don’t need a gay best friend.
1. They Might Not Want To Be YOUR Friend.
Some women think if only I had a gay best friend. He’d be so fun! And he’d want to shop with me, and go places, and talk!
Gay guys are never thinking you know what I need? A straight female friend who wants to be my friend solely due to my sexual orientation.
2. Some Gay Guys Don’t Like To Shop.
Alarming, yes. But there’s a faction of gay guys who hate shopping.
They avoid the mall. If anything, they make quick purchases of items they really need. A hammer. Jig saw. Deer meat.
Not fun sweaters.
Not fun sweaters.
3. They Are Not Your Jukebox Of Gay Sayings.
Some women think that having a gay best friend will allow them to access hundreds of hit gay sayings.
Oh child, that sweater is SO working for you right now.
Girl, you KNOW it.
Who wants to watch Gossip Girl and eat jelly beans!?
4. They Might Not Try To Totally Do You Because Of, Well, You.
Some women award their gay friends with this compliment: You’re so cute! It’s too bad you’re not straight!
Let’s unpack this for a moment.
Because I know women are reading this, thinking that’s a nice compliment.
You’re basically telling a gay guy that the only thing stopping him from totally doing you is his sexual orientation.
Not your limp. Not your lazy eye. Not the fact that when you smile, it’s like meeting the characters of an enchanted forest.
I miss my ex girlfriend.
5. Nobody Wants To Be An Urban Accessory.
I’m all for super hot chicks wanting to hang out with me.
Unfortunately fat blogger isn’t a hot item.
But even if it were, it would hurt my emoticons if I thought that’s all they wanted to be friends with me for.
I’m a good boy and people like me.
At least that’s what my mom says.
There you have it. Even though I’m a straight guy, I think this needed to be written.